i hate this part right here

I hate these fights.

I don't know what's wrong with you.

Why must it be this way?

Stop shouting at me, i'm not that kind of girl.

You say you love me

But go ahead and hurt me.

I know you don't mean it

But baby please stop it.

It's hard i know,

But aren't we both trying.

Someday the distance will be gone.

But the memories of fights will just stay.

Is this love conditional?

Are we keeping count?

I know you're stronger than this.

Stop messing with my head.

don't make me turn away..

i hate this part right here

I hate these fights.

I don't know what's wrong with you.

Why must it be this way?

Stop shouting at me, i'm not that kind of girl.

You say you love me

But go ahead and hurt me.

I know you don't mean it

But baby please stop it.

It's hard i know,

But aren't we both trying.

Someday the distance will be gone.

But the memories of fights will just stay.

Is this love conditional?

Are we keeping count?

I know you're stronger than this.

Stop messing with my head.

don't make me turn away..

the great divide

assignments are all over!! all that's left are a couple of weeks of school and then exams and im done for semester one!! can u believe it..how time flies.. i can't wait to go home, though of course i'd much rather have had all the cash in the world to go travelling around australia or even Fiji! but no worries, i'll still be going on a roadtrip to brisbane and melbourne with the gang in february. hopefully mum comes down to sydney in january so i can show her around too..my hands are itching to rent a car and drive around.

life here in guildford is pretty much normal..feels like home. though of course with every household there are it's squabbles and tension. just have to learn to deal. through it all im grateful to have great friends around, especially aisyah, who's practically like a young version of my mum. so maybe that's why i don't really miss home.

i bought a book last week called 'Don't be Sad', and it truly is enlightening. Using the concepts of Islam, it talks bout life in general and why we should be positive. Being a pessimistic, grumpy, bad tempered person with a super low self esteem, who is always worrying about money... i think i need the book. so far so good... loads of practical advice that i've already put into good use! especially when it comes to dealing with strange people... there are the ungrateful, the bossy, the calculative, the selfish, the unco-operative, the multi-faceted, the liars, etc etc ppl in this world...including myself at times, so i guess we all just need to learn to cast aside the bad and deal with the good.

though it does get on my nerves at times. hahhaa... why can't people just... aiyah donnolah. everyone has their idiosyncracies. is that how u spell it? haha.. main thing is..at the crux of it all, i'm happy with myself. I may not be competitive, i may not have much looks, i may not have a great sense of willpower and self... but i'm pretty much honest with myself and the people around me.really am an open book. most may call it my weakness, cause at times people use what they know about me, against me. but i don't deny what's there, i don't try to be somebody else, what you see is what you get. I may not please everyone, but the people i love are pleased with me.the real me.

and for that i'm grateful. thank you God.

this couldn't be more true..

I'm a train wreck in the morning

I'm a bitch in the afternoon

Every now and then without warning

I can be really mean towards you

I'm a puzzle yes indeed

Ever complex in every way

And all the pieces aren't even in the box

And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

I don't know why you love me

And that's why I love you

You catch me when I fall

Accept me flaws and all

And that's why I love you...

I neglect you when I'm working

When I need attention I tend to nag

I'm a host of imperfection

And you see past all that

I'm a peasant by some standards

But in your eyes I'm a queen

You see potential in all my flaws.

.

.

and that's exactly what I need...

this is it this is it!!

We are currently riding the height of assignments for this semester... with digital imaging assignment due at midnight tmr, ethics, integrated diagnosis due monday 9 am... it's crunch time!! but so far all seems good..i am just done with digital imaging..tho my lecturer must think im such an utter bimbo with all the dumb questions i asked. hehe... he is one of the weirdest funniest lecturers ive had! not ha ha funny...but such dark humour. some of the ang mohs in our class talk non stop and it's begun to annoy alot of us..so he posted a note on our online discussion board...as follows:

If you find the lecture unbearably boring it's fine to leave quietly. If it's just a bit boring then there are plenty of low noise options: do a sudoku, rearrange the contents of your nose, scratch your genitals, scratch your neighbour's genitals, put up your hand and ask a question, or just have a little nap.I am TRYING to make this UoS more fun and interesting but it's a long term project and some of the material is hard to funicate.Lastly, remember that assignment and exam marking is not a 100% objective process, and coming to ask the lecturer for help is a very subjective process.Thanks

hehe...i love this australian uni!

it's the beloved's birthday today!!! happy 22nd jeevan!! you know what my present for you is.. just have to be patient, it's all in a pile here waiting for me to bring em back to singapore for you and all the ppl i love!

we have been fighting alot the past weeks... i guess it's getting harder on us, being apart...not to mention with the now 3 hour time difference! he calls me at 3 am in the morning when im not exactly at my sweetest, and to top it all off he's exhausted too..like he said "you think i play masa-masa here in army issit?" hehe..idiot. and it's masak-masak! not masa-masa. your now melayu accent is cracking me me up lah baby. you sound exactly like some cross between a bai jaga and a mat army kental.

but regardless... i always appreciate how we always make up ten seconds after a fight and you're so patient with me even when i'm screaming down the phone. most guys would prolly have slammed down the phone and called me a bitch. hehe can't help it im just cranky.. and you always know how to make it right.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN!! millions of kisses and hugs! promise we shall celebrate our 23rd birthdays together okay? have fun today, please do not get too drunk..and no strippers, not unless im there to check her out too! hahaha!!

okay i think im going nuts. stress is getting to me.

OH OH OH!! the roses i planted in the garden are all budding or blooming! i planted 4 roses in our garden when we first moved in to represent the 4 of us. Tassha was the first to bloom, a nice white rose. Next up will be mine and syaz's.. Aisyah...is a late bloomer. But wen it does! im sure it'll be damn gorgeous! just like the person...awww....

i'll post pics wen they all start blooming!

for you.

this post is for the beloved..because of what happened yesterday night, it's been on my mind the whole day. i have to get this off my chest and into words.

You have no idea how helpless i feel right now, i wish i could be there and take the pain away. When you told me what happened last night, i wanted to run back home. You tried your best to hide your pain like you always do, but i still felt it.

You know whenever i'm upset and i cry...you would always tell me that you couldn't bear to see me cry cause you feel the pain 10 times harder.. i always thought they were sweet lines every boyfriend is supposed to say.

But yesterday i realized what it meant. Your silence, the tone of your voice... i could feel such sorrow in them. And i shared the burden too..and all i could do was cry.

You will always be my pillar of strength Jeevan, the way i'm yours. You have always supported me, and been on my side. We will get through this together and i need you to know i'm proud of you. Despite what anyone might say cause of what you did, i am so very proud of you.Maybe not proud of your actions, you should know violence just doesn't solve anything.

But know this.You are a man of character. And i love you for it. You have been through so damn much your whole life, and still emerged as a strong, unselfish, big-hearted, loving man. You stuck to what you believed in, you fought for what you love, you reacted to something you could never ever condone your whole life. And despite of what happened and what he said, your heart was big enough to even feel for everyone else...bout how you would miss your brothers, bout how bad you felt.
I will always be behind you no matter what Jeevan.

I have no right to get involved, it is not my place. But i know exactly how u feel. And i know in there is a heart big enough to apologize and make things right.

I love you.

and that ladies and gentlemen..was spring break.

Sooooooooooooooooooo much have happened since i last updated.

Let's see.
First was Hari Raya or Eid as it's known here..We spent the whole of Tuesday cooking and stuffs. I cooked beef rendang, sambal goreng and nasi minyak. We even had Adabi ketupat! Tassha's grandma gave a variety of kueh, of which i ate most of the pineapple tarts. The gang came over on Wednesday, and it really felt like Hari Raya. Played raya songs the whole day, and even made a music video like those tacky ones you always see.me and the food


our lovely house




and then! came our Shark Island outing on Friday...we took a ferry to the island, thinking it prolly has loads of picnic-ers there..but we ended up being the ONLY ppl on the island until like an hour later.. cool or what!?! it's this small rocky island off the sydney harbour, with a great view of the bridge and opera house. We waded around among the pools of water, but the rocks had sharp barnacles on them tho. I tore my yoga pants in the process. sadnesss...
it really was worth every bit of the 17 bucks cause the ferry ride itself was so fantastic. Really felt that THAT was the kind of sydney experience i was hoping for! I was already satisfied with that outing as a birthday treat for myself...

BUT.

my birthday just got better.

received a package from the dearest...had a good laugh opening it up when i saw a mass of facial cotton pads used as packaging material. haha...
he gave me a pair of gorgeous swarvoski crystal earrings! and it was so sweet that the earrings were suitable for sensitive skin! he remembered! hehe...

then came a card from Hafiz! with 50 aussie bucks in it!! hehehe mmmmwax!! the letter meant so so much to me. thank you fiz...

mummy sent me a card and a gorgeous dragonfly necklace and earrings set...and an amber pendant too. i loved the card, she drew little cartoons of my cat and the fishes...haha

AND THEN.

the morning of my birthday...came a knock on my door, as i was dyeing aisyah's hair..
it was a huge ass box of long stemmed south american pink roses with chocolates too!!!
it was from mummy too!! actually not really lah.. mum gave Mervin, auntie nancy's son who lives in sydney, money to surprise me with something...and he chose the roses and chocolates.. so sweet!! Love it love it love it!!

so the plan that night was for 4 of us to dress up and look good and have dinner in the house... so i wore my brand new copper dress which i bought last week...and the girls shut me up in the room , not letting me go downstairs..so i sort of knew something was up, was thinking they probably cooked something special.
so i sat in my room looking like a fat cow in the dress actually, and talked to jeevan on webcam!! he finally bought one! saw his face after three freaking months.. my birthday just could not get better.

But it did.

Finally i went downstairs, carrying the laptop so jeevan could see everything..and saw the three girls in silly party hats and tassha was barbequeing chicken outside! then i heard a meow!! and HUDA popped out of the laundry room!! and then BENNY AND MAX popped out too!! hhahah... it was just so fantastic..

we ate and talked and laughed, and even put a party hat on the laptop so that jeevan could join in the fun. haha...

then the fireworks came on. that's when i thought oh. my.god. fireworks...on my freaking birthday!
we played with sparklers too....
and just when i thought the night had come to an end...the girls made me sit down in front of the comp...and showed me a video on youtube. it was a video they had made just for me!!
i seriously wanted to cry...

thanks so much girls for everything... and everyone who sent me stuffs.. appreciate it so so much!! my 22nd birthday was so fantastic cause of all of you.. love you all so much.