at the edge

wow. this is it, the end of june.

tomorrow will mark only 4 days to my departure to Sydney to start a brand new life

as an undergraduate, and live with housemates!

as always, the same thing happens.

i spend months looking forward to going overseas,

the excitement builds and builds..

and poof.

when i reach the time, the excitement dies and all i feel is..

something a lil like this.

*sound of crickets*

cause the bullshit starts becoming obvious,

you worry about a million and one things,

and there will always be people or situations to make things so unpleasant.

mark my words.

....

hema came over today and she helped me pack everything!

so i'm done packing, but one small prob.

i really truly am positive i've exceeded 30 kg.hahah!

so mum has taken out the damn heavy books

and will be sending em by DHL.

it still is slightly over 30 kg i believe...

oh well.

surrender.

i give up the fight. totally give up.

today i'm going to the doctor to start on the pills again.

yea yea i know, side effects etc etc.

but i have no choice.

it's one thing to accept who you are and try and live with it.

i can't.

so i'll never stop until i change how i look.

that aside, it's 8 freaking days to departure.

all i've done is to take my bags and clean em of cat fur

and put em by the corner for me to admire.

all empty of course.

going shopping for clothes with mum and Syaz today.

first time in days that i' m stepping out.

don't have the fun popular life like my other friends...

oh well.

story of my life.

time to dig around for happiness.again.

wishlist

on my wishlist right now, is the dancing Hidamari No Tami, the solar powered desk toy that shakes its hips. hehe...i wanna have it on my desk in Australia...to keep me happy and amused.

zoolympix madness.

i completed my second and final day of volunteering for the zoolympix event earlier today,

with minimal glitches...

me and aisyah battled lil tiny tots and mozzies to inject some excitement to the game station.

i tell you. feigning enthusiasm is hard to do.

i had to plaster on a tireless smile and explain the rules of the game like 20000 times and go YAAAAY!!! everytime a kid completes the obstacle course. aiyo. can die.

...

.....

moral of the story. dewy does not do well with kids.

give me snarling baboons anyday.

and as my dear dear funny friend padma illustrated during the debrief,

the most annoying thing the kiddos did repeatedly was whine,

"mummy i don wanna DOOOOO...!!"

..

....

hahaha..i'll miss you padma, yup and your moneymakers too!

mwax!

plans for tmr: Anderson reunion pic-o-nic at Sembawang Park! can't wait to meet my girls Fiqa and Farizah. The only two ppl who can really.really.make me laugh..

last night.

i had a dream last night.

it was so real, i cried in my sleep..

and was so thankful when i woke up.

i dreamt it happened again,

that i had lost everything.

that pride and anger got in the way,

and we forgot what love was.

i dreamt you were leaving,

and i was begging you to stay.

you would not budge,

and your eyes were so cold.

my heart had stopped,

at the fear that gripped me.

does this mean,

it shall happen again?

i woke up to sunshine,

and your love flooded back..

i reached for a way to hold on to you.

then i stopped.

i thought.

what if all this..

was only temporary?

now i'm writing this..

and the dream still feels so real.

though i shall smile and pretend..

deep inside..

i sow the seed of doubt and hurt.

and wait.

for the end to grow.

all i need.

i got a brand new pair of Ipanemas!!! i love it!!

walked around from clarke quay all the way to suntec in the blazing hot sun looking for a pair cause my ceplak(fake) Ipanemas were killing my feet.

finally found em at Novo, and other shoes were on sale too!!

found a pair of sexy cloth-ropey pump wedges with ballerina ribbon anklet straps at 70 percent off..in my size!!

thanks for getting both of em for me....u spoil me.

think i got kidney infection again, have the same bloaty feeling in my tummy and burning sensation when i pee.

ended up making pit stops all along raffles city thinking i need to shit when i really don't.

had lunch at thai express, you guys really should try the black pepper soft shell prick.

hahaha!! that's thai for crab, as someone pointed out.

syazzy and huddie, yr AIG freebies with me, carried around three ugly neon orange backpack all over town.eeeeeee....

next meeting girls?

mine.

Every day here you come walking I hold my tongue,

I don't do much talking

You say you're happy and you're doin' fine

Well go ahead, baby, I got plenty of time

Sad eyes never lie

Sad eyes never lie

Well for a while I've been watching you steady

Ain't gonna move 'til you're good and ready

You show up and then you shy away

But I know pretty soon you'll be walkin' this way

Sad eyes never lie

Sad eyes never lie

Baby don't you know I don't care

Don't you know that I've been there

Well if something in the air feels a little unkind

Don't worry darling, it'll slip your mind

I know you think you'd never be mine

Well that's okay, baby, I don't mind

that shy smile's sweet, that's a fact

Go ahead, I don't mind the act

Here you come all dressed up for a date

Well one more step and it'll be too late

Blue blue ribbon in you hair

Like you're so sure I'll be standing there

Sad eyes never lie.....

rise of the machines

i finally bought a laptop today!! the same Acer Extensa i was eyeing yesterday went from 1198 to 999 bucks!! woo hoo! though of course i still am not crazy bout laptops.

i find a good sturdy desktop the best.

well i'm hoping for the best, pray this lappie gives me minimal probs.

please please please..

would buying it on Friday the 13th be problematic tho...hmm..

my own worst enemy.

you know what, i know practically no one reads this blog.

so it really doesn't matter what i write in here.

but i will anyways cause there's too much in my head and i wanna express it in words. act like my problems matter.

okay.

i realized today i do have a serious mental disorder. i was at the PC show at suntec today and was checking out lappies with Hafiz and Aisyah.

And as the salesgirl was talking bout some shit or another bout the lappie i was looking at, she suddenly turned on the webcam.

and hence i saw myself on the laptop screen.

and i did something worse than flinching.

i honestly was just too disgusted to look and i turned away, and covered my face with a phamplet.

god.how did it come to this?

i know i had a self esteem issue since i was young, but this has really gone too far.

i honestly just hate the body i'm in.

i can't bear to look at myself in the mirror, or god forbid on video.

i sometimes avoid going out cause i know i look horrible in my clothes cause i'm so fat.

i hate looking back at pictures that my friends take of me cause they all look so terrible, so vulgar and fat and ugly.

and the worse part is all the people closest to me say the same things always.

dewi you're not fat.

but like i say all the time, it honestly just doesn't matter what anyone says.

it's me.

i hate my fat arms.

i hate the way i'm so fat i look like i'm hunching cause of the extra fat on my back.

i hate how my clothes don't fit.

i hate how i look in dressing room mirrors especially.

i hate how my cheeks balloon even if i gain a bit of weight.

and god how i hate i how it's so damn tiring to always be thinking about it,

having to watch what i eat,

go jogging,

buy XL or XXL ,

when i see so many people who go through life not having to care about these stupid fucking things.

and most of all i hate how after 21 years of life... it still feels the same as i sit here and cry and write this.

it just feels so fucked up i wish i was dead.

and he said.

"it's not a problem for you to solve, don't you get it, it's just me.It doesn't matter who loves me and for what reasons.I just don't know how to love myself."

.

..

...

....

'....then just love me. and leave me the job of loving you.'

saved.

Had my kenduri doa selamat yest night..would like to say thanks to all who attended. thanks to hafiz for the yummy pound cakes that everyone loved, aisyah for coming super early, syaz for the entertainment and loads of noise, huda and max- sopan couple of the year, tassha for coming despite getting allergy attacks everytime and naz-the ever supportive busy working woman...i love all of you to bits.hey syaz upload the pics on facebook!

so i am saved by all the prayers yest! haha.. still. i would like to take up the extra insurance coverage.i'm just paranoid of stuff happening there. if something does happen though, please send all my love to the people nearest and dearest. you know who you are.

27 days to go. what makes it exciting isn't just the fact that i'm leaving, but that i'll be with the people i just adore as friends..you girls are truley the melty choco chips in my cookie of life!

Will be on duty at the zoo for Zoolympix 2008! so any of you wanna come down catch me and aisyah in action being game masters for this fun kids event you're welcome to!

mojo jojo, mei yi, padma moneymakers and me...conservation ambassadors!

busy busy June

okay i didn't know Aisyah had a blog! good good. now i have some online reading material. okaaaaaaaaay! deep breaths. huge mess, airline tickets but finally resolved. Hafiz blames our lack of knowledge of current affairs to not have aniticipated the changes in airline baggage policy. pfft. so we are leaving 3.30pm 6th july. TG 414.

weee..

can't wait!

loads of stuff to settle before i leave, things to buy, people to meet..Rach asked me yest online...if i was sad or excited. Honestly? Excited! There really isnt anything to be sad about if you think about it.Life's too short for us to always be sticking to our comfort zones. And that includes the beloveds in our lives.Yes the separation will hurt..but absence makes the heart grow fonder!Or better still if the ppl i love actually VISIT ME IN SYDNEY HINT HINT!

oh well i can only try. hehe.

the house is a flurry of chaos in anticipation of the Doa selamat gathering tmr..what with mum cooking and avoiding the nifty paws of the always hungry cats..dad setting up the aquarium and watching the fish die..one.by..one. haha.

as we speak sister just entered my room and sprayed some hair thingy on me and said " yr hair looks like a bunch of birds nests."

oh sisterly love.

she gave me a 100 baht note from her thai vacation.her very first flight in her whole 25 years of adult life.

i'll miss that dumbass lah.