my own worst enemy.

you know what, i know practically no one reads this blog.

so it really doesn't matter what i write in here.

but i will anyways cause there's too much in my head and i wanna express it in words. act like my problems matter.

okay.

i realized today i do have a serious mental disorder. i was at the PC show at suntec today and was checking out lappies with Hafiz and Aisyah.

And as the salesgirl was talking bout some shit or another bout the lappie i was looking at, she suddenly turned on the webcam.

and hence i saw myself on the laptop screen.

and i did something worse than flinching.

i honestly was just too disgusted to look and i turned away, and covered my face with a phamplet.

god.how did it come to this?

i know i had a self esteem issue since i was young, but this has really gone too far.

i honestly just hate the body i'm in.

i can't bear to look at myself in the mirror, or god forbid on video.

i sometimes avoid going out cause i know i look horrible in my clothes cause i'm so fat.

i hate looking back at pictures that my friends take of me cause they all look so terrible, so vulgar and fat and ugly.

and the worse part is all the people closest to me say the same things always.

dewi you're not fat.

but like i say all the time, it honestly just doesn't matter what anyone says.

it's me.

i hate my fat arms.

i hate the way i'm so fat i look like i'm hunching cause of the extra fat on my back.

i hate how my clothes don't fit.

i hate how i look in dressing room mirrors especially.

i hate how my cheeks balloon even if i gain a bit of weight.

and god how i hate i how it's so damn tiring to always be thinking about it,

having to watch what i eat,

go jogging,

buy XL or XXL ,

when i see so many people who go through life not having to care about these stupid fucking things.

and most of all i hate how after 21 years of life... it still feels the same as i sit here and cry and write this.

it just feels so fucked up i wish i was dead.