fed up.

i bought a copy of Women's Health magazine yesterday at Coles.
Singapore only has Men's Health, which i have always enjoyed reading anyways.
so i was psyched to find the female equivalent here.
it's full of interesting facts and little snippets of advice here and there...and most importantly,
it just makes me feel better bout myself.
hahha...not that i'm such an avid athlete anyways..but i'm trying.
planning to go running tonight if it doesnt rain.

i guess i just got sick of being the butt of fat jokes and jibes.
it's reached the point where i could do some grievious bodily harm to the next person who implies i am fat. like seriously cut it out already.
nobody's better than the next just cause she's slimmer.
cause for the one flaw that i have, i bet i have ten other strengths that make you pale in comparison.
so there.
so from today on, i am gonna do what it takes, small baby steps at a time..to get rid of the one stupid thing that makes people overlook my achievements and capabilities.
and then when that happens. not only will i be slim.
i'll be better than any of you.

jeez sorry if i sound like a vengeful bitter fatso, but that's what the world has made me to be.
i would say 22 years, but since i wasnt even self conscious before i turned 5...
17 years of being teased, poked fun at, chided, insulted, given stupid weight loss tips (my own family members included mind you)
i guess i have become very defensive and bitter about it.

so to all the people who ever made me feel sorry for myself.
congrats looks like you did me in.
i did fall for all the insults and jokes and hate myself for it.
i condemn my looks at every opportunity.
i sabotage every relationship i've ever been in cause of my insecurities and doubts
i compare myself to every girl, and feel even more pathetic for it.
.

.
and the worst part is..
and i don't know when i can ever reverse the damage done.

just me.

they say idle hands are the devil's workshop.

how bout idle minds then.

on days like today where there is pretty much nothing to do, i end up thinking alot.

and mostly getting sad alot.

aisyah's busy most times watching her shows downstairs..

and there's only so much word challenge one can play. haha.

i've finished reading the last book i bought.

and jeevan is busy i presume. no calls as yet.

so i'm left to my own devices...thinking thoughts that a normal person would just be too damn busy to bother with.

and then i get scared. am i the type of person who just can't be alone.

and i look back on my past relationships.

i wonder what i would be doing right now if i weren't attached.

i'll be bored out of my mind, with the lack of someone to care about.

cause for the longest time,

i forgot to care about me.

i went for a run yesterday to clear my head. and it felt good to be doing something on my own accord, for myself.

i remember hafiz once told me after we had broken up...

"have you tried being single? why must there be another person always?"

what he said sticks to my mind everyday cause i have come to realize my weakness.

i can't.

for too long i depended on the other half to boost my self esteem that i've come to need it.

i am disappointed in myself to tell you the truth.

i still remember the days when id be so distraught after break ups.

and i don't know if it's cause i wanted the relationship back, or cause i just could not be alone.

it's a bit too late now. i sit in fear everyday, afraid of losing what i have with jeevan.

cause i don't want and can't be alone.

need therapy.

i have moved.

okay since you're reading this i guess you would realize i have moved.
big mistake of putting my blog addy on friendster, people whom id rather not know bout my life are keeping tabs on me and my family.
so nevermind, on my mum and dad's insistence i have moved my blog.
but just to say my piece to THOSE people....
WHAT BLARDY BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS MAAAAN!!!
arses.

anyways since my last update, me and aisyah have been chilling, no, wrong word. baking in the house in 40 degrees weather...wahahha...
we have been out and about doing stuff like shopping, going main campus for our vaccinations, hanging out at Glebe... and discussing a million and one things under the sun. i even got my cervical cancer vaccine....for FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...okay shush.
we shall not risk the job of the nice doctor. hehe.
OH OH and in a bout of randomness, i managed to persuade aisyah to get our hair cut!!
so i just pretty much had mine trimmed cause Jeevan forbids me from having short hair(....grrr), but aisyah had her long locks lopped!! wahahahahahha!!!
and i must say she looks great, much better than she did with long hair.
i love dressing aisyah up, she's like this evil angsty doll with a feminine side that just needs some coaxing to come out.
syaz will be back thursday morning...followed by tassha...then we shall all be heading to brisbane and melbourne for our road trip.
hopefully this series of record breaking heatwaves dies down soon.
or i'm seriously gonna get heatstroke.


jeevan is still in taiwan. we hardly talk since he's busy running up and down the jungles finding checkpoints that DONT MATTER. sheesh.
we have our lil tiffs here and there, result of my short fuse and his big man ego.
meh.
talks bout weddings have been up and about between us, so its made me even have nightmares about it LAH.
i woke up crying one day cause i dreamt it was my wedding day and i didnt even have a dress, no guests except for my few close gals and i was late for the appointment at the ROM.
but in the dream, my groom to be(whoever he is cause honestly some parts he just became a blur) just put his arm around my shoulder and said it doesnt matter, we still have each other right..and i love you.
but i still woke up crying.
dammit.
i told jeevan about it.
busy man just smsed back saying Aye don't worry nothing's gonna get in the way of us getting hitched.
hmm...i haven't the heart to tell him i'm not exactly sure it was him in the dream. haha...

but speaking of weddings...i then started to imagine my perfect wedding.
yes even after all my heartaches and scepticism.. i still have my lil girl fantasies of the dream wedding with the dream man.
where would it be?
what would the cake look like? the dress?
the music?
will there be a bunch of doves that i can set free in that all too cliched scene...WAHAHA!
or even fireworks!

slowly but surely, in my head i collect little ideas that could come in handy to built my perfect wedding day.
who knows when it'll be, maybe never...
but in any case...as much as i'm aware of all the crap that comes with marriage, the contempt that comes with familiarity, the possibility of a cheating husband, unruly kids, financial probs....
i still am not just yet ready to let go of the dream.

what's your dream wedding?