just me.

they say idle hands are the devil's workshop.

how bout idle minds then.

on days like today where there is pretty much nothing to do, i end up thinking alot.

and mostly getting sad alot.

aisyah's busy most times watching her shows downstairs..

and there's only so much word challenge one can play. haha.

i've finished reading the last book i bought.

and jeevan is busy i presume. no calls as yet.

so i'm left to my own devices...thinking thoughts that a normal person would just be too damn busy to bother with.

and then i get scared. am i the type of person who just can't be alone.

and i look back on my past relationships.

i wonder what i would be doing right now if i weren't attached.

i'll be bored out of my mind, with the lack of someone to care about.

cause for the longest time,

i forgot to care about me.

i went for a run yesterday to clear my head. and it felt good to be doing something on my own accord, for myself.

i remember hafiz once told me after we had broken up...

"have you tried being single? why must there be another person always?"

what he said sticks to my mind everyday cause i have come to realize my weakness.

i can't.

for too long i depended on the other half to boost my self esteem that i've come to need it.

i am disappointed in myself to tell you the truth.

i still remember the days when id be so distraught after break ups.

and i don't know if it's cause i wanted the relationship back, or cause i just could not be alone.

it's a bit too late now. i sit in fear everyday, afraid of losing what i have with jeevan.

cause i don't want and can't be alone.

need therapy.