fed up.

i bought a copy of Women's Health magazine yesterday at Coles.
Singapore only has Men's Health, which i have always enjoyed reading anyways.
so i was psyched to find the female equivalent here.
it's full of interesting facts and little snippets of advice here and there...and most importantly,
it just makes me feel better bout myself.
hahha...not that i'm such an avid athlete anyways..but i'm trying.
planning to go running tonight if it doesnt rain.

i guess i just got sick of being the butt of fat jokes and jibes.
it's reached the point where i could do some grievious bodily harm to the next person who implies i am fat. like seriously cut it out already.
nobody's better than the next just cause she's slimmer.
cause for the one flaw that i have, i bet i have ten other strengths that make you pale in comparison.
so there.
so from today on, i am gonna do what it takes, small baby steps at a time..to get rid of the one stupid thing that makes people overlook my achievements and capabilities.
and then when that happens. not only will i be slim.
i'll be better than any of you.

jeez sorry if i sound like a vengeful bitter fatso, but that's what the world has made me to be.
i would say 22 years, but since i wasnt even self conscious before i turned 5...
17 years of being teased, poked fun at, chided, insulted, given stupid weight loss tips (my own family members included mind you)
i guess i have become very defensive and bitter about it.

so to all the people who ever made me feel sorry for myself.
congrats looks like you did me in.
i did fall for all the insults and jokes and hate myself for it.
i condemn my looks at every opportunity.
i sabotage every relationship i've ever been in cause of my insecurities and doubts
i compare myself to every girl, and feel even more pathetic for it.
.

.
and the worst part is..
and i don't know when i can ever reverse the damage done.